February 14, 2004 - Valentine's Day

Every year the nature of reality changes and along with it the way we deal with relationships and what we can expect from them.

Some people think they know what they want - then discover they have changed and want something and someone else.

Many people are addicted to love and need to feel the - chemical high.

Some relationships are about ego - your partner telling you how wonderful and attractive you are.

Compassion - gentleness - and love seems to be key factors in making relationships work. The low level emotions - anger - violence - fear - kill all relationships.

But....what most people want is someone who will be there for them 'no matter what' - placing them above everything - to be best friends - exclusive lovers - have frequent and good communication - someone to share their lives with. They want someone who cares - who is dedicated to their relationship - making them feel loved - needed - and removing many of their fears - caretakers for the weary and frightened souls. "I'll do anything for you...." Clients often ask me, "What is my partner thinking about me? Does he or she love me?"

Not everyone is capable of giving or receiving love at a that level - it takes too much away from one's personal growth - most of us avoid needy whiny people.

People often say they just want a companion - but in truth they want the whole package - emotional, physical, mental and spiritual. They want someone to share their lives with. They are fooling themselves if they think otherwise. They want a real relationship.

Then we find other people who do not have an emotional need for this type of intimacy and co-dependence. They usually find it clingy, possessive and controlling.

One must have some degree of balance to make things work.

Some relationships are just about sex - as the partners are very compatible.

Some partners want you all for themselves - to the exclusion of others - family and friends. This goes to low self-esteem issues and an unhealthy relationship.

Then there's the situation when a partner does not get along with your friends and family. We now come to friends... mine - yours - ours. There simply isn't enough time to satisfy everyone and have time for yourself.

Long distance relationships - often created through the Internet - pose too many problems linked with time - money - and availability. They can work for a short-term romance. You meet - have fun and sex - then go back to your routines - no obsessing and changing of lifestyles in most cases - as they won't work.

Most people - at some point in their lives want to meet The One and yet few people do - and if they do - obstacles more 'often than not' present themselves. Remember.... we are an emotionally challenged species.

For millennia relationships were dictated by survival - but all that has changed for most of us - except those ruled by fear.

We fall in love for all the wrong - and all the right reasons. We fall in love - hard and heavy! Then we fall out of love....

But what to we want and expect from relationships? That, too, changes throughout our lives and is not easy to figure out in the best of situations.

You can't have a 21st century relationship with 20th century thinking. It won't work. Women seek freedom and equality in love - career - every aspect of their being. Women need to have financial freedom to pursue personal goals and create balance.

The old days of women who were subservient to men... is dying along with the people of those less enlightened generations where people did not understand respect as they probably never received it. Those souls were so dysfunctional. The sad part is - they didn't recognize there was a problem - and never got help.

How sad is it ... when someone is mentally ill and in this day and age - and does not - or refuses - to get help!

What do husbands and wives really want? Is there ever a solution that works for all and lasts? Wives say they want husbands who will be good providers - will call them throughout the day - be there for them and the family - often the wives want to have enough money to stay home and raise the children - or just work part time so they won't get bored - but where does that leave the husband? There are just so many hours in a day.....

Husbands who make lots of money so the family can create security - usually work long hours - travel for their work - and cannot meets the 'at home' needs of wife or children - nor are they generally interested in - or able to cope with the daily dramas of life with children. Husbands cannot always be there financially - emotionally - physically - while at the same time moving ahead in their careers. Husband work hard - for long hours - come home late and tired - which takes away from the family picture of family members sharing their lives each day. Children grow up resentful - wives and husbands take lovers - usually people they work with - who are in the same place as them - and so it goes. The goals of marriage are not often attainable. And so they play Pretend....Pretend we are a happy couple and our relationship works!

Meanwhile in less 'enlightened' societies - old-world customs - limiting one's choices - especially for women - dictate the partners and relationships one will have. Cultures vary on how - when - and where romantic feelings can be dealt with. It breaks my heart to meet people in cultures where marriages are arranged and men treat women with cruelty - rape being part of the equation.

As all souls seek freedom - they need choices that make sense to their spiritual and personal growth.

Is it in the nature of human experience to be in love only once in a life time? Not in most cases!

In the days before Viagra... we generally viewed men as reaching their sexual peak in their twenties. But today there is Viagra - and other medications that serve the same purpose - allowing men to experience sex and passionate love for decades - or as long as it works. The Viagra stories are endless - but it has brought the 'thrill of the chase' back for many men.

To deny yourself love and sexuality - is to deny an important aspect of the human experience. We meet people - souls who have chosen to experience with us in the physical realms. Sometimes we recognize a special connection with someone - as if by instinct and we FEEL.

Don't be afraid to feel - even if you think you will be disappointed and get hurt. Just take each relationship for what it is - for as long as it lasts - but never hang on to a dying or dysfunctional relationship - or one that does not meet your needs - failure hurts.

Most people have the ability to love romantically. If you feel unable to love - or have never been in love and are past your twenties - you better see what issues are holding you back. There is some degree of fear and denial going on. Maybe your choice is a same-sex partner and you are in denial. You may have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Don't look to past lives for your answers. Look to this lifetime and your fears of abandonment. The answers and excuses are many - but one needs to live in the NOW!

If you observe each decade of your life as another group of learning experiences in which you will meet many people - often you will find different lovers and open your heart to different partners based on your needs at the time.

Hormones dictate that in the teens years - we seek partners - begin to experience feelings of lust and love and so it goes... This is often a time of fantasy about love and romance - the emotional aspect of our journey.

Teenagers fall in love and lust as they are hot looking and in general 'hot'! Some have sex while others wait. These are hormonal years - in which the soul begins to exert its authority - and lustful desires often take over. Most teens fall in love - or have crushes / infatuations. It is a time of sexual exploration which will continue for decades to come.

Feelings of homosexuality are addressed by many teenagers - rather than keeping them hidden as in past generations. How they address this is often cultural and based on the attitudes of those who are raising them. If the desires are not addressed - they will emerge and be dealt with - most often in the twenties when the soul is living on their own - or - in some cases when the person falls in love - a true love and passion - with someone of the same sex. There is nothing wrong with being gay. It is all just experience. Gay relationships suffer the same dramas as heterosexual ones.

The 20's are about education - career planning - party time - growing up - traveling - hopefully dealing with childhood issues and recognizing who you are - sexuality and romance - and whether or not you can be in a long-term relationship. Many people in the twenties still live at home - and will remain there until they marry! Old and current standards on this can cause much tension. Some people move out after school and stay out - usually a healthy choice for all concerned.

Along comes Saturn Return - ages 28-29 - when the soul re-evaluates what it wants in the decade to come - and makes decisions in many areas - love - marriage - career - moves - etc. Men who prefer to remain single and just have affairs now run into trouble - as women want the Next Step - R & R - the Ring and Relationship. Finding lovers often becomes problematic - as does finding a good permanent relationship.

Not everyone finds a soul mate...and people no longer want to 'settle' - as they know they will divorce.

There are souls who prefer to live at home - as rent is free or really cheap - Mom takes care of shopping - cooking and cleaning - and there is safety in the family situation. Yet dating and finding a place to have sex and share romance is a problem. To grow or not to grow up is the question? Many moms have given up on housework after the children are grown - and want their kids out of the house.

The 30's... a time for love - marriage - and moving on as the biological clock ticks away. When people are educated and reach this age group - they have careers - and await the arrival of The One. For many people love and romance can flourish in the thirties. People look great these days and remain young looking for decades. They work out - look sexier and know how to attract partners. The smart people stay away from those with vices and addictive personalities. They recognize and deal with their issues and mental disorders - and clean up their act so they can attract a functional person. You can't last in a functional relationship with a dysfunctional partner.

The 40's - love and romance can still be part of the equation - but people are getting set in their ways and not as tolerant of others' short comings. Flings are fine - but dealing with other people's issues is not easy. If someone has not married by 40 - they probably never will. They may be parental caretakers - need to have privacy - or prefer not to share their lives with another person. Many people are reclusive and non-communicative. In marriage - if you do not communicate - you're in big trouble.

Many people in this age group are still searching for The One and making excuses about each person they meet - saying there is something wrong - usually that the person is too controlling.

You should not marry if your soul does not want nor need the experience. Marriage is very complicated and demanding - as is living together - but in the latter case you can separate more easily and often there are no children.

Once people reach their 50's and on......they usually want partners for fun - sex - travel - dinner - etc. Marriage and creating a family are no longer an issue.

Vices are no longer tolerated - drinking - drugs - smoking - etc. They should no longer be part of the equation.

People in these age groups are often tired. They do not want to take care of another person - wash their clothes - cook for them every day - listen to their complaints - etc.

Women complain that men get too limited in their thinking and become too sickly - cranky - opinionated - and argumentative - hence they seek out younger lovers with younger views - who are healthier - and more fun on most levels. Romance becomes about playtime - after which the partners go home! Many people prefer to live on their own and visit lovers as time permits.

Internet affaires are sometimes fun - not to mention phone sex and so on! Whatever turns you on.

Souls are learning that they need time alone each day - that living alone is wonderful - not scary - that they can take care of themselves - and that they must have their own space to grow spiritually.

A partner who is not enlightened - needs only be there physically when physical 'needs' arise.

A partner who tells you that your metaphysical studies and friends are a waste of time - will not enlighten in this lifetime - and is not on your frequency. Time to move on - or just be with that person for whatever the needs of the relationship are.

Partners do not want to be told what to do - who to do it with - when they can or cannot see their friends and family - and in general have anyone dictate their lives. By this age group - they have earned the right to be free! The rest of their lives - can best be dealt with on their own - in their own time and pace - meeting their changing needs. Free from the burdens younger people face - a healthy senior citizen can have the best time of their life!

At any age romantic love can be about ... spontaneity - a night out dancing - a drive in the moonlight - a day in nature - a trip for several days - a weekend alone - a cozy dinner by candlelight - meditation, massage and other body work - conversations that sooth the souls - music - anything that attracts both people. The object is to be relaxed and free - not uptight and uncomfortable.