Cheating (Emotionally) on Your Spouse

Cheating (emotionally) on your spouse MSNBC - June 5, 2008 -- "Is it wrong to rely on a friend to meet the needs your husband doesn't?"

Cheating, emotionally with a friend or coworker, happens all the time, as you feel comfortable and trusting with the other person. Emotional cheating can actually help a loveless marriage survive for years. It can be fun, or filled with drama and suspense, that many say they don't want or need, but embrace.

For the man, it often goes to physical attraction, not acted upon if the woman seems disinterested. For the woman who just seeks friendship and compassion, sex is not the end result. Emotional intimacy, often results in sex especially when both people are attractive.

We can't be all things to our partners. There's not enough time. Things are just moving too fast for people to keep up with their own lives, let alone those of a spouse, who may be the needy codependent type, that no one seems to want these days, unless they have control issues usually coupled with low self esteem and failed prior relationships.

Cheating is one of the more common themes that presents itself in my readings. One way or another, most spouses cheat at some point in the relationship, emotionally and/or physically. (Watch the cell phones and emails.)

People marry for various reasons. If they have commitment issues going into the marriage, it is doomed. Full time commitment is not easy. Many suffer from emotional intimacy issues. This goes for women as well as men.

Along the way, a couple may or may not have children, then discover that the person they are with has changed or the karma is over after the kids are born.

At that point, people seek someone who understands where they are going, especially if the journey takes them into metaphysics, as souls attract by 'like frequency'. It could be a friend, someone met through metaphysical studies, or they cross the line they know they shouldn't - someone in the workplace. Dum da dum dumb!

We all change, every minute of every day, trying to adjust to those changes on all levels as best we can. We work on ourselves all the time, or so the books and talk shows and therapists tell us. Yes ... yes! It's the 21st century and we are enlightened, right?

We no longer want to live with, or be abused by, dysfunctional partners, as they wear us out with their senseless dramas. We know that people who are emotionally disturbed, most often have the 'drama thing' going on as it's what is familiar - so much wasted energy until they burn out. Whew! Avoid at all cost! Don't get involved with anyone with an addictive personality. If attracted, and you can't seem to resist, just have sex with no expectations.

Like everything else in our reality, relationships follow patterns covering the full gamut of emotions in an attempt to sort them out and make them work ... or not.

When the relationship is ending, people go from awareness, to frustration, to disappointment, to emotional and physical disconnection (lots of cursing and nasty stuff here), to anger, rage, accusations, cheating, to therapy and endless talks with friends and psychics ... to boldly go where no man has gone before ... wait ... that's Star Trek ... though many would love to beam out.

Okay ... back on planet Earth where we play out our personal dramas over the decades ... we discover that people feel cheated when the person they married does not live up to the original expectations - failure, recriminations ... get over it ... it's time to split.

Now here comes the really nasty part in most cases ... the Money, honey. (I hate to be called honey, dear, sweetie, or any of those names). Money can be a deal breaker and continue on with lawyers for a really long time. Ouch! Who gets what? It's mine! That's the lawyer talking at the end of the day.

Some couples separate, then divorce - at least 53% I am told.

Some find lovers, in old and new friendships, or at work, because that is where they spend most of their time, often to get away from the partner. Along comes the transition person, flirtatious, attractive, compassionate, understanding, and you both go to 'hormone (circuit) city'!

You could work together, perhaps as 'friends without benefits', but often the sexual tension is there, whether it is addressed or not.

We move to 'friends with benefits' though you know it won't work or last, after all, Ellie expects you to understand that this is just the transition person, or second spouse, as if one isn't enough. Even this person can get on your nerves after a period of togetherness.

Still ... you get closer to someone who cares, makes you laugh, shares with you, and can be generous and helpful.

Is this as intimate as sex? Yes! There's sex and then there's sex! There are many levels of sex. It is a very complex aspect of the human equation and worthy of many blogs. With some people, sex must be with the right person, an extension of the love frequency, connecting body, mind and soul. For others it's a friendly - - - - .

We need emotional intimacy, the little things (or big) that keep us in touch with our hearts, whether you plan to stay with your partner or not.

Hence, as the years go by, until change separates the two people, the emotional partner, at work, or a friendship, becomes a marriage in its own right. And when it fails, or changes, you are just as crushed, allowing you to understand just how codependent you had become.

To have a best friend/emotional relationship with a coworker, or someone you know, is often satisfying to all concerned. It is when one begins to fantasize about that person, who is most likely in another relationship, feeling they will leave and be with them full time, that things get out of hand.

People, more often than not, leave bad relationships for freedom, rather than the lover, friend, or transition person.

Some people are okay with the lover sleeping with them, and at home with their spouse, but with no one else. Somewhere that makes sense to them.

For the woman, she has her husband at home and her husband at work or wherever, acting differently with both.

For the man, he has the wife at home and the wife at work. Which one does he treat better, as he will treat them both differently?

Two wives, two husbands, two relationships, each hopefully satisfying an important aspect of their lives in this crazy reality, that makes less and less sense every day.

If you have a wife or husband at work, and one at home, and are happy, continue on. If not, make changes wherever possible, or they will happen for you.